Surviving & Thriving - The First Year Of College

Parenting Bay Area Teens, July 1998

"College should shake you up a little, get you breathing, quicken your senses and animate a conscious examination of life's enduring questions."- William J. Bennett, former U.S. Secretary of Education

The End is the Beginning

Phew! You breathe a sigh of relief. It’s over. After all the searching, visiting and agonizing, your student has chosen a college. But catch your breath quickly because this isn't the time to sit back on your laurels. As T.S. Eliot said in Little Gidding, "---to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." Freshman year at college is your student's new beginning. As the college quest has drawn to a close so a new journey begins, and the big questions are already looming: "What will college be like? Can I handle college life? Will I fit in?" These are not questions that can be easily answered, but experts and students agree that a good place to start is to attend freshman orientation.

Most colleges offer some kind of orientation or advising program either during the summer before registration or just before the semester/quarter begins. Going to college means learning the rules of a new culture and the orientation program helps students make the necessary adjustments by introducing them to many aspects of campus life. Sarah Hagenian, back home in Danville, after finishing her freshman year at Wake Forest University in North Carolina, stresses the importance of the orientation process. In fact, she also attended a pre-orientation session. Sarah explains, "I met a smaller group of people at the pre-session. Many of the people I met there are the friends I have today."

Learning the Ropes

In the early days as a college freshman there seems to be a honeymoon period where everything is new and exciting. But once students settle in they realize that much of college life consists of hard work. Adjusting means dealing with a multitude of issues such as, separation anxiety, homesickness, independence, displacement, dating, sex, money management, laundry, roommates, changing values, grades, parental expectations, time management, and more.

What Do Students Say?

"I wish I had known that what I've done in the past doesn't matter - everyone has a chance to 'make it' in college"- (one of 50 responses collected by Jennifer Trussell, former Director of Mississippi College)

Probably the best source of advice for incoming freshmen is from students who have developed successful strategies for college life. I asked Mark Elsdon, Erica Liu and Peter MacIlvaine, students at UC Berkeley to share some advice on college success. We began by discussing academics:

Mark: Don't take a full load the first semester, and don't be disappointed if your GPA drops from what it was in high school - this is to be expected.

Erica: Be organized and pace yourself. When I get the syllabus for the semester I immediately enter when things are due on a calendar.

Mark: Pick a schedule that fits your lifestyle. Even though it's easier to get the early morning classes, there's no point signing up for them if you are never going to make them or you are too tired to concentrate. It's important to go to class and you should be alert when you are there. I like to schedule full days of classes so I can have full days off, but if you can't sit through class after class, don't do this. Instead, spread your classes throughout the week.

Erica: Get to class on time otherwise you will miss announcements and details about quizzes or tests. Start reading assignments the first day you get them otherwise it can be overwhelming and you may never catch up.

Peter: Take good notes. Tape recording lectures is OK as a supplement but it doesn't engage you the same way as taking notes. When you take notes you have to really listen and be attentive.

Erica: Get to know your professors and T.As (Teaching Assistants).

Mark: Don't over commit to outside activities in the first year. You need to assess how much time you will need to study.

(The discussion moved from academic to social issues.)

Erica: Wait at least one semester before joining a fraternity or sorority. They are big time commitments and you want to be sure that joining one is the right thing to do.

Peter: There is no need to rush into everything out there, but you should get involved in some social activities otherwise you will end up a zombie. The key is to find a balance.

Try out a few activities to see if you like them. Dorm friends are often fleeting. Your good friends may come from the organizations you join.

(All agreed that dorm life could be challenging)

Mark: You need to be flexible because you are going to meet students with very different values and lifestyles from your own. At the same time you cannot compromise too much.

Peter: Communicate with your roommate from the beginning.

Mark: Yes, I told my roommate in the early days that there were some things I couldn't tolerate, such as bringing a girl into the room overnight.

Peter: I wish I had been more up front, because I allowed things to happen which I just wasn't happy about, and then it was hard to change what was going on.

Erica: Tell your roommate early on what you will or will not accept -but expect that you will not get enough sleep!

How Can Parents Help?

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." - Robert Frost

Don't underestimate the impact of the transition to college

-Michael G. Thompson, a clinical psychologist in Cambridge, Massachusetts, writes, "Of all the normal separations in life in our culture, departure from home is the most traumatic. To separate after a profoundly close relationship of eighteen years' duration is a significant loss for both parents and child."

-The following questions (from Jane McClure, Independent Consultant) may help you both with the separation process:

What excites you most about your child going to college?

What worries you most about your child leaving?

What will happen to your child's room when he or she leaves?

How often do you expect/want to be called?

What can your child do to make the transition easier for you?

What do you think will be hardest for your child? How can you help?

What would you like to tell your child before he/she leaves for college?

Stay connected

-If you are offered the opportunity to attend an orientation program for parents you should take it. It may give you the most in depth look at the campus, faculty, resources etc. that you will get in the 4 years (or more) your child is there. It will certainly help you to understand the kinds of experiences your student will encounter in college.

-Inevitably your child will experience some tough times. A certain amount of homesickness and stress is normal, but if there are excessive signs of psychological distress, help your child seek the professional aid needed.

-Encourage your student to take advantage of other available resources. Help is often there for students having problems with stress management, time management, study skills, using the library, etc. A workshop in one or more of these areas might be something to consider before going to college.

-Take an interest in your child's new life, but don't overstep the mark. Heed this advice from an article, Transitional Trauma: "When planning to visit your son or daughter on campus, never do so without giving at least twenty-four hours notice. Parents who visit unannounced may learn more about college life than they really want to know."

-Send letters, e-mail and "care" packages.

-Purchase telephone cards for students so they can easily phone home (idea of Debbie Hagenian, parent of Sarah)

Keep an open mind

-The college experience tends to make students more tolerant, less religious, and more liberal in their beliefs and behavior. These changes can cause conflict with parents especially when they return home at school breaks and holidays. John W. Greene, M.D. Director of Student Health at Vanderbilt University offers the following guidelines to parents:

	Be flexible.
	Don't make plans that include your freshman without first consulting him or her.
	Expect differences of opinions and perception.
	Keep lines of communication open.
	Don't use guilt as a means of regaining control.
	Listen to your freshman. Most young people will keep you informed if they feel they are heard.
	Enjoy your freshman as much as possible without using break time primarily for constructive criticism.