A Parent's Role In The Going-To-College Process
Bay Area Parent of Teens, November 1997
The tour guide stopped momentarily in her backward gait to allow the stragglers in the
group to catch up. There was a shifting of positions and a new pair moved into the lead.
The shorter of the pair was eager. Her head was tilted forward in order to catch every
scrap of information, while she inspected with bright eyes the surrounding sights. In
contrast, her companion was slouching off to the side. Her face, partly hidden by long
blonde hair, had hardened, and she seemed to draw into herself.
This is how an observer could have described my daughter and me on one of our college
campus visits. Unfortunately, I was the enthusiast, while my normally sunny and expressive
daughter bordered on sullen.
When I talked to her later, I expected to hear that she was not interested in the
college, but no, she had liked it - a lot - it was my role in the tour that she had found
excessive and embarrassing.
Finding The Right Balance
There are numerous other stories that families tell about the roller coaster ride of
the going-to college process, but what is clear is that parents have a very difficult and
delicate role to play in college decision making. How do parents find the right balance
between indifference and over-invested interest and influence, in order to help their
children in the college quest? The road to college is a journey both exciting and scary;
there is no one right way to handle all the challenges, but the following pointers can
help families find their way in the college admissions experience.
First, parents should begin by assessing their own ideas, motivations and desires in
the admissions process, in order to separate their own aspirations from those of their
children. As parents, we understandably, want the best for our children, but we need to
guard against mixing up our own lives and goals with those of our children. Parents who
say things like "We are applying to College -----." may not be allowing
their children to make some important and essential decisions about college. Parents can
use the following questions from an article written by Mary K. Krogman in the Journal
of College Admissions, (1990), to enhance self-knowledge, and to reflect on whether
they are supporting their children in their journey towards independence, or are trying to
live through their children, directing them, and protecting them.
Self-Assessment
What are my wishes, hopes, or secret script for my child?
If I attended college what was that experience like?
If I did not go to college, how do I feel about that, and how does it influence my
relations with my child?
What is my peer pressure like? Am I overly influenced by what my friends’
children are doing, and where they are going to college?
Have I shared my thoughts, dreams and my own college experiences with my child? And what
was that sharing like?
Times They Are A-Changin'
Once parents have honestly assessed their own motivations in the admissions process,
they should consider whether they understand what college life is like today and how it
may differ from their day. Once upon a time, parents expected the institution to act in
loco parentis, that is college administrators took responsibility after Mom and Dad
dropped their child off at the dorm. Those days have gone, and there are other changes -
in college costs, student population, curricula, and mores. If coed dorms make you
nervous, you may want to discuss the possibility of coed bathrooms!
The process of choosing and applying is more complicated than it used to be. Students
see themselves with a broader range of options and will file more applications. Certain
schools suddenly become popular and issues of selectivity shift, making some schools more
and more difficult to get into. The following statistics give a general picture of the
freshman applicants for the fall of 1997 at Stanford: The total number of applicants was
16,842; Stanford admitted 2,596 at an admit rate of 15%. The admit rate at Harvard is
about 11% and other Ivy League schools are seeing an increase in applications and a
decrease in acceptance rate. At one of the "Public Ivies", UC Berkeley,
applications have risen by more than a third in the past 5 years. The campus admitted just
30% of the students for the freshman class of fall 1997, its lowest rate ever. With such
astonishing statistics, it is imperative that parents help their child set clear and
realistic goals. By not expecting too much of your child pressures can be alleviated, and
a perspective maintained. A good rule of thumb for both parent and child is:
"Dream, but keep one foot on the ground." After all, with careful academic
preparation, there will be many fine college options for your child.
The Best Match
Realizing that there are no perfect answers or clear-cut alternatives parents should
help their children to choose the colleges that "fit" the best and where they
can be happy and successful. This is not easy, but exploring these questions will help you
get started:
Ask Yourself:
What are the different options for higher education?
Why does your child want to go to college?
Have you helped your child assess his or her strengths and weaknesses?
Do you understand what selective colleges are looking for?
Do you know the average GPA, SAT scores etc. of the colleges your child is considering?
Have you thought about the different characteristics of college such as size, location
etc. and the implications these will have for your child?
Do you know where to turn for help for yourself or your child in the college selection
process?
SOME DO'S & DON'TS
The National Association of College Admission Counselors (NACAC) has this to say about
the role of parents in the college process: "Positive involvement of parents
smooths the bumps and fills the holes in the many paths students will travel on this
quest." Here are some Do's and Don’ts to help you offer your child this kind
of support.
DO help your child plan ahead and set realistic goals
DON'T apply pressure
DO keep up to date
DON'T begin a sentence, "Well in my day…"
DO convey to your children that they have the power of choice
DON'T sit back and allow your children to compromise their needs for the sake of
the institution
DO remain open minded and speak with all who can offer insights
DON'T go it alone and close off valid suggestions
DO help your son or daughter separate their grades and test scores grades from
their self- esteem
DON'T lose perspective
Do help your child be objective about college literature
DON'T be swept away by beautiful pictures and grandiose language
DO help your children set themselves up for success by having them apply to at
least two schools where they will be certain to get into
DON'T limit yourselves to looking at only "brand name schools"
DO assist your student to get organized in the application process
DON'T fill out the application or forms
DO abide by ethical codes
DON'T compromise integrity in an effort to gain a competitive edge
DO help brainstorm the idea for the college essay
DON'T write the essay or get "heavy- handed"
DO help in arranging college visits
DON'T take over the visiting experience for your child (don't repeat my story!)
DO educate yourselves on the complexities of financial aid
DON'T wait until the winter of the senior year to do this
DO realize that going to college is a separation process for both you and your
student
DON'T make your teenagers feel guilty about their struggle for autonomy
DO lighten up
DON'T add to tensions
DO let your teenager take charge of the process
DON'T let this scenario happen to you:
"The application was professionally typed; the candidate made a strong case for
her admission to our university. But something hastily scribbled at the bottom delivered a
different message: 'Please do not admit me to William and Mary. I am only applying because
my father made me." (Excerpt from Gold-Plating Our Students, by G. Gary
Ripple, dean of admission at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, VA.)
STOP, LOOK, & LISTEN!
Does carrying out some of these suggestions seem easier said than done? After all we
are talking about teenagers here! Adair Lara from the San Francisco Chronicle sums
up the communication difficulties between parents and teenagers. In a witty short essay
called Cat Years Lara writes: "I just realized that while children are dogs
- loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed
it, train it, boss it around…Then, around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns
into a big old cat...You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be
wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on
family outings…Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your
pet behave….The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves
away…Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a
cat owner…Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not
entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it"
Perhaps the biggest gift parents can give to their children in this going-to-college
process is that of listening. In a busy world, with overwhelming schedules, active
listening to family members has to be put on the agenda. Christine, a 17 year-old, wrote
this in a letter to the San Ramon Valley Times. "In a world where adults
are obsessed with being right and handling out nothing but recycled information, all we
want and need is for someone just to talk to without interruption…So my last words to
you moms and dads, just listen to your kids."
So my last words to you moms and dads: just listen to your kids!
